He drops his clothes all over the house. Like is it not possible to drop them in the laundry hamper? He doesn’t comfort me the way I expect when I am upset. How hard is it to comfort me the way I want? These are expectations I have let twist my way of thinking. I have let expectations in a way, overtake the way I am looking at my marriage. When these become unmet expectations, I find myself frustrated, correcting him at every turn, and reminding him of his shortcomings. I want a perfect husband who does everything just the way I want, and if it doesn’t go that way? Well, I find myself in not so nice wife mode. What a twisted way of thinking.
So what am I learning during this?
1. GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE
Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people. It is suppose to be beautiful, in harmony, intimate, and loving. Instead of this, I get caught up in the griping, complaining, and frustration of not having things my way.
2. IS THIS HELPING BUILD THE MARRIAGE?
When I start to think about griping or correcting him, I think is this helping to build my marriage? Griping at him does nothing to build my marriage. Reminding him of his downfalls does nothing to build my marriage. Loving him like Jesus and serving him are helping to build my marriage.
The griping and reminding him of his downfalls only lead to quarrels and arguments due to expectations I placed on my husband.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it.” – James 4:1-2
3. LOVE LIKE JESUS
I try to look at the unmet expectations as God’s gift to me. Like Jesus, we have the opportunity to demonstrate love by serving those we live with. How many times has my husband kept quiet, endured my lashing out, and loved me so well? He has definitely loved me like Jesus loves.
4. INSTEAD OF LASHING OUT, TALK WITH GOD
Unmet expectations can be severely damaging to a healthy relationship if we let them take control. If there is a moment where my expectations weren’t met, I try to take a moment and talk with God. This helps me to think about the full picture before I let my emotions get the best of me.
5. UNDERSTAND YOUR EXPECTATIONS
A huge step is realizing you have expectations in your marriage or relationships.
MY EXPECTATION: Jimmy comes home. He puts his pocket items in the top drawer of his dresser. His shoes are taken off and placed in the closet where they belong. His coffee mug he took this morning is placed in the sink. he places his dirty clothes in the laundry after he changes into his comfy clothes for the evening.
REALITY: Jimmy comes home. He puts his pocket items on the table. He takes his shoes off in the living room. His coffee mug maybe made it to the kitchen counter. His dirty clothes definitely didn’t make it to the laundry hamper.
MY EXPECTATION – THE REALITY = FRUSTRATION
“Expectation is the mother of all frustration” – Antonio Banderas
I have learned now what my expectations are with Jimmy, so that when these situations arise I am better equipped to react appropriately. I know Jimmy’s heart isn’t to frustrate me by not meeting my expectations. Usually in the situation above, he is super exhausted from a hard work day and just wants to get to relax and spend time with me as quickly as possible. This means that my expectations are not usually met and I am learning to be okay with it.
6. WE ARE HUMAN
Lastly, we are all human. When I am quick to point the finger at Jimmy and his flaws, I forget that there are three fingers pointing back at me. I have severe flaws that I quickly forget when I am pointing the finger at Jimmy’s flaws. We are all imperfect people. As this is no excuse, it helps to remind me that we are going to make mistakes. When we do, we need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness.
I think this can relate to anything in our lives. Having unmet expectations isn’t just a marriage thing – it is a life problem! We have expectations that we unspokenly place on relationships, situations etc! Take these steps and apply them to whatever your life looks like and see how God works in your situation!
xoxo,
Ashley Welborn
Similar Post: Why Getting Married Young Isn’t A Bad Thing
This is a great post! My husband and I were just talking about “unmet expectations” last night. Heavy topic, but so important to cover with one another and invite the Lord into the conversation! 🙂
Yes! Definitely have to talk about them together and with God. Thanks for reading!
Um, this hit home! I really needed this today of all days. Feels like I was went to read this one!
I am so glad this spoke to you just when you needed it! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
That’s why I think it’s crucial to live together for some time before getting married. Sometimes people are very different when you live with them.
My Mum told me something super wise: ” the way you teach your partner, that way you’ll have him for the rest of your life”. Couldn’t agree more.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing!
We are definitely all human! Sometimes I have to remind myself that I probably drive my husband nuts sometimes too, and he generally doesn’t stress about it.
Yeah! Men are good at letting things go and I feel I am terrible at that!
YES! It was marriage-changing when I began to grasp that marriage is designed to make me holy, not happy. Although it often does make me very happy, that is not the point. God is much more concerned with my holiness.
Yes! So much truth! Thank you for sharing!
My fiance’s coffee mug is probably still growing mold in his car and will continue to stay there until I clean his car out…I know the frustrations! But this article reminded me so much of how we show love in different ways and how he puts up with me always cleaning behind him instead of sitting down and enjoying dinner in the mess.
Yes love what you said here! Exactly how I felt when writing this! Sometimes it’s all about perspective on the situation! Thank you so much for reading 🙂
This was an amazing post! As a newlywed, I also struggle with feeling like my expectations aren’t being met. This was very enlightening. Thank you
I am so glad. It is definitely something I had to struggle through as a newlywed and retrain my thinking! Thank you for reading and sharing 🙂
I am guilty of lashing out at my husband as well. I often find that it is hard to not have expectations of how my husband should act and him not live up to those expectations. This post was much needed for me! I definitely need to remind myself more that my husband is his own person and not an extension of me, and that he has his own habits (despite how annoying they may be).
Yes! I am so glad it spoke to you when you needed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and share with me!
This is great advice for a hush hush topic! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! Appreciate you reading!
This is a beautiful post and a well-needed reminder. It also reminds me of something that my Mom always tells me when it comes to relationships, life – “Accept, don’t expect.” I guess that indeed is the key to being happy and at peace.
Cheers!
Parul – https://girlinchief.com
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Love that quote! So much truth! Glad it spoke to you!
I was looking at your post about date ideas and came across this one. This hit home for me and I think is something I was meant to read today. Thank you for your post and enlightening insight! You have the best posts!
Oh my goodness! Thank you for taking the time to comment and make my day! This is why I love writing these posts and you have encouraged me to write more deep topics!